She’s Me

Last night was the final games of my daughter’s softball season.  They were undefeated on the season and lost 2 games back to back in the state tournament.  It is incredibly hot right now in Texas so I was keeping an eye on her during the double header.  In the second game of the day I saw her reacting a little slower than usual so I went to check and make sure she was ok.  Understand, she plays right field in a coach pitch league.  She’s not exactly the short stop or all star player that it would be obvious that something was wrong.  But she’s my little girl, so I see every move she makes. 

In the dugout I went to check on her and she just asked me if she could have a hug.  She’s an affectionate girl, but she’s never asked for a hug during a game.  I opened the gate and she latched onto me.  I realized something was up so I bent down and asked if she was ok.  When I did I saw she was crying.  

Being the true girl dad I am, my heart melted.  When I asked what was wrong she told me she was afraid they were going to lose.  This was in the second inning but it already wasn’t looking good. 

I realized something in that moment.  That beautiful little girl with the pony tail and big smile is me.  She gets nervous before games, she wasn’t to practice to not let her team down, and she’s worried that a loss will end the world. 

In that moment my heart broke because I know the pain that can cause.  But I also know it's not all pain. There's celebration, triumph and relationships ahead. And as much as I want to protect her from the bad, I'd never rob her of the good.

They wound up losing.  As the girls ran around and looked at their medals, my mini-me buried her head in my side.  She was crying into my shirt.  I realized in that moment I didn’t know what to say.  Losing hurts.  They hadn’t lost all season and then lost 2 tough games in 3 hours and there wouldn’t be a tomorrow for the Texas Diamonds. 

Lord knows I’ve lost in my life.  I’ve lost some heart breakers.  I’ve lost some blowouts. I’ve lost some opportunities.  I’ve lost some friends.  This was the beginning of understanding losing for my little girl.  I simultaneously wanted to shield her from the pain while also wanting her to learn from it. 

Parenting is so difficult because it seems like it’s about creating protected experiences.  We create opportunities for our children to learn, but hopefully within the protective lens and shaping of our own experiences. 

I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there and hugged my daughter.  I told her I love her and I’m proud of her.  She came so far this season and learned so much and she will be better for it.  I told her it wouldn’t hurt as much tomorrow.  And then I took her to McDonald’s and we sang her favorite songs the whole way there.